So much has happened to me between the time I last posted and today. Remind me to get a post on here about The Emotion Code. But for now I'm going to post about what happened most recently.
Have you ever had something happen to you, that was so wonderful that it seemed like a dream? And no matter how much you tried to convince yourself that it was really happening, you still thought it was a dream? Something like that happened to me last Saturday, December 7, 2013. That was the date for my church's winter formal. The dance was fun in and of itself, but it was so much more fun because of the person I was there with. :) <3
At times, it was even magical. And that's why Im having such a difficult time convincing myself that it was real. Wonderful stuff like that doesn't happen to me. Now, don't get me wrong, wonderful things happen to me, and miracles happen all the time, but never anything like that. I usually end up sacrificing my happiness for others', and I typically put myself last. So things like this, don't happen to me.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Truth
What is TRUE whether people say it is good or bad, or whether they believe in it at all? What ALWAYS stays the same no matter how much it is degraded, rejected, judged or trodden on?
In a word: TRUTH.
" The wind may howl, and the storms may rage, but it remains thus: Truth will always be truth."
Monday, September 23, 2013
Daily Scripture
"Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do." -2 Nephi 32:3
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
I was wrong about my dad.
I've always thought, at least for awhile lately (so it seems like always, and maybe it was), that my dad wasn't doing his job- as a dad. For years I only heard negative things about him from my mom. And I saw only the bad things. My dad wasn't there. My mom and dad fought. My dad was impatient, and controlling. As I entered my teenage years, I blamed him for him and mom almost getting a divorce. I blamed him for every move, for giving away our dog, for not providing for his family, for not being there, and probably for all the pain I felt too.
As I was growing up, I felt alone, hurt and abandoned, because my dad was never there, or so it seemed. When he was there, I remember telling him to stop trying to control my life (and this was while I was in Elementary school- or perhaps, before). I hated moving, starting over, and we were doing it constantly. Most of the time we moved because Dad didn't have any work, and so, I started blaming and loathing him for that too.
All I saw at 'home' was Mom and Dad fighting (verbally), disagreeing, miscommunicating, and arguing. There were very few times it seemed my parents loved each other. When I was almost in 5th grade, my mom was so upset and hurt that she told her three children that she was going to leave and not come back. For a 10 yr old, that's worse than hearing your pet just died. She got in the car and drove off in a huff. I was bawling my eyes out, and completely believed she was gone forever. Later that day, she came back, and I was so happy. (For some reason, I turned many of my parents failures on myself. I told myself, and believed, that it was all my fault. And when I told my parents that, they couldn't understand why I thought that way.)
And then there was the teasing. Dad loves, I mean LOVES to tease me. He's always teased me, throughout my whole life, and I've told him to stop, but he won't. He says it's his way of telling me he likes me (as his daughter), but I just see it as annoying. Many times, his antics would remind me of a child, or my immature peers.
My dislike for my dad and my disgust for his antics grew untill I started to really loathe him. And it grew little by little every time we would move. Lately, my relationship with my dad hasn't been quite up to par, and that's putting it mildly. At least in the past few years, it has progressively been getting worse. Multiple accounts of his teasing getting way out of hand, and bordering on insults, his incessant will to tease me, appearing to me like deliberate attempts to damage my fragile self-esteem, and outright discourtesy towards me as a person have caused me to hate him more, and in the past few months, even label him as a total and complete monster.
And that's what I believed. I believed it with all my heart and soul. But I was wrong.
Today, I was able to go to work with him. At first, I only saw it as an opportunity to earn money. But it was so much more than that. My dad's a carpenter, contractor, electrician- he's a "jack-of-all-trades" really. Today, we were working on someone's house. The lady that lived there talked and talked, about many different things, while her husband sat in the chair next to her. After awhile, although I had just met them, it seemed as though I'd met them before. When we were leaving, one of them told Dad that he'd done a good job (talking about me). That struck me to the core, and as I thought about it, I began to see that it was true. He had done a good job raising my sisters and me. He'd done the best he could. My dad wasn't an alcoholic, he didn't beat me or my mother or my sisters, he didn't do something stupid and go to jail. He did the best he could to provide for his family.
Through the eyes of a child, I understood very little. I blamed and loathed my dad for nearly everything bad that happened to me. Through the eyes of an adult, I can clearly see that I was wrong, and I understand so much more. I have been so selfish, so blind. I was wrong, and I'm terribly sorry and ashamed of the way I've been thinking of and treating my dad. I'm not saying everything's perfect now- it defiantly isn't, and I know we both will make many mistakes in the near future, and I still won't like his teasing, but maybe now that I understand a little more, maybe I can finally begin to forgive him.
I've always thought, at least for awhile lately (so it seems like always, and maybe it was), that my dad wasn't doing his job- as a dad. For years I only heard negative things about him from my mom. And I saw only the bad things. My dad wasn't there. My mom and dad fought. My dad was impatient, and controlling. As I entered my teenage years, I blamed him for him and mom almost getting a divorce. I blamed him for every move, for giving away our dog, for not providing for his family, for not being there, and probably for all the pain I felt too.
As I was growing up, I felt alone, hurt and abandoned, because my dad was never there, or so it seemed. When he was there, I remember telling him to stop trying to control my life (and this was while I was in Elementary school- or perhaps, before). I hated moving, starting over, and we were doing it constantly. Most of the time we moved because Dad didn't have any work, and so, I started blaming and loathing him for that too.
All I saw at 'home' was Mom and Dad fighting (verbally), disagreeing, miscommunicating, and arguing. There were very few times it seemed my parents loved each other. When I was almost in 5th grade, my mom was so upset and hurt that she told her three children that she was going to leave and not come back. For a 10 yr old, that's worse than hearing your pet just died. She got in the car and drove off in a huff. I was bawling my eyes out, and completely believed she was gone forever. Later that day, she came back, and I was so happy. (For some reason, I turned many of my parents failures on myself. I told myself, and believed, that it was all my fault. And when I told my parents that, they couldn't understand why I thought that way.)
And then there was the teasing. Dad loves, I mean LOVES to tease me. He's always teased me, throughout my whole life, and I've told him to stop, but he won't. He says it's his way of telling me he likes me (as his daughter), but I just see it as annoying. Many times, his antics would remind me of a child, or my immature peers.
My dislike for my dad and my disgust for his antics grew untill I started to really loathe him. And it grew little by little every time we would move. Lately, my relationship with my dad hasn't been quite up to par, and that's putting it mildly. At least in the past few years, it has progressively been getting worse. Multiple accounts of his teasing getting way out of hand, and bordering on insults, his incessant will to tease me, appearing to me like deliberate attempts to damage my fragile self-esteem, and outright discourtesy towards me as a person have caused me to hate him more, and in the past few months, even label him as a total and complete monster.
And that's what I believed. I believed it with all my heart and soul. But I was wrong.
Today, I was able to go to work with him. At first, I only saw it as an opportunity to earn money. But it was so much more than that. My dad's a carpenter, contractor, electrician- he's a "jack-of-all-trades" really. Today, we were working on someone's house. The lady that lived there talked and talked, about many different things, while her husband sat in the chair next to her. After awhile, although I had just met them, it seemed as though I'd met them before. When we were leaving, one of them told Dad that he'd done a good job (talking about me). That struck me to the core, and as I thought about it, I began to see that it was true. He had done a good job raising my sisters and me. He'd done the best he could. My dad wasn't an alcoholic, he didn't beat me or my mother or my sisters, he didn't do something stupid and go to jail. He did the best he could to provide for his family.
Through the eyes of a child, I understood very little. I blamed and loathed my dad for nearly everything bad that happened to me. Through the eyes of an adult, I can clearly see that I was wrong, and I understand so much more. I have been so selfish, so blind. I was wrong, and I'm terribly sorry and ashamed of the way I've been thinking of and treating my dad. I'm not saying everything's perfect now- it defiantly isn't, and I know we both will make many mistakes in the near future, and I still won't like his teasing, but maybe now that I understand a little more, maybe I can finally begin to forgive him.
Monday, July 29, 2013
July 29, 2013
Well, I guess it'll be hit and miss for this blog.
Anyway, so on Saturday I got back from Young Women's camp. I had a BLAST!! It was really fun, and even now, I still feel supported by the girls in my group. On Friday, I finally did the trust fall, even though I wasn't all the way to the top. Throughout the week, I had seen girls who were a lot more afraid of doing the trust fall than I was, fall. But I was still scared. So finally on Friday, I decided if I wanted to do it, it had to be then, since this was my last year at camp. I was scared from the moment I started to fall, to the moment my catchers caught me.
Anyway, so on Saturday I got back from Young Women's camp. I had a BLAST!! It was really fun, and even now, I still feel supported by the girls in my group. On Friday, I finally did the trust fall, even though I wasn't all the way to the top. Throughout the week, I had seen girls who were a lot more afraid of doing the trust fall than I was, fall. But I was still scared. So finally on Friday, I decided if I wanted to do it, it had to be then, since this was my last year at camp. I was scared from the moment I started to fall, to the moment my catchers caught me.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
July 18, 2013
I know it's been awhile since the last time I posted something, but now I'm back.
I don't know, I just don't wanna care about anyone anymore. I think I've been hurt too many times by my family. Like on Sunday. We were planning basicly our lives for the next few months ("because it needed to be done"). Anyway, we were talking about driving to Utah for Labor day weekend, and I said something (I think it was I don't care), don't remember what it was, but then my dad said "We can drag you along behind the car." what the heck!?!? I got upset, because that's just downright mean and NOT okay, and I told dad "well that shows how much you value me." And then he said that wasn't true. Well then, if it wasn't true, WHY did he say that?
Later on my mom started telling me to turn hurtful things people say into complements so it will surprize them. So I asked her how do I turn what dad said into a complement. I mean, seriously, how??? Because currently, I can't think of any.
Then on Monday i think (sometime this week), my family did a whole bunch of things that slighted me. I guess it's pretty much everyone for themselves in our house. The lame thing about that is my sisters and my dad have a tendency to gang up on me. I hate my family because of how I'm treated. Or maybe I should say "family". Because there is NO WAY ON EARTH that we are a family. Families don't hurt each other.
Anyway, I think I might be finally shutting down. I tried to shut down once before, but without realizing it, Jeremy stopped me. :) I don't know what's going on now though, because when I was depressed, I still could think of Jeremy and my friends and feel a little better. So maybe that's what's happening. I just feel so sad, and I don't want to loose them, but I'm terribly afraid I might. Especially Jeremy.
I thought about that the other day, and I realized I need him just as much as he probably needs me- I probably need him more though. *sigh* I don't know.
Oh and I'm really sorry Jeremy if you, or any of our friends or family read this. (I have a feeling I'm going to be embarrassed later on.)
Oh also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Lilly!!
I don't know, I just don't wanna care about anyone anymore. I think I've been hurt too many times by my family. Like on Sunday. We were planning basicly our lives for the next few months ("because it needed to be done"). Anyway, we were talking about driving to Utah for Labor day weekend, and I said something (I think it was I don't care), don't remember what it was, but then my dad said "We can drag you along behind the car." what the heck!?!? I got upset, because that's just downright mean and NOT okay, and I told dad "well that shows how much you value me." And then he said that wasn't true. Well then, if it wasn't true, WHY did he say that?
Later on my mom started telling me to turn hurtful things people say into complements so it will surprize them. So I asked her how do I turn what dad said into a complement. I mean, seriously, how??? Because currently, I can't think of any.
Then on Monday i think (sometime this week), my family did a whole bunch of things that slighted me. I guess it's pretty much everyone for themselves in our house. The lame thing about that is my sisters and my dad have a tendency to gang up on me. I hate my family because of how I'm treated. Or maybe I should say "family". Because there is NO WAY ON EARTH that we are a family. Families don't hurt each other.
Anyway, I think I might be finally shutting down. I tried to shut down once before, but without realizing it, Jeremy stopped me. :) I don't know what's going on now though, because when I was depressed, I still could think of Jeremy and my friends and feel a little better. So maybe that's what's happening. I just feel so sad, and I don't want to loose them, but I'm terribly afraid I might. Especially Jeremy.
I thought about that the other day, and I realized I need him just as much as he probably needs me- I probably need him more though. *sigh* I don't know.
Oh and I'm really sorry Jeremy if you, or any of our friends or family read this. (I have a feeling I'm going to be embarrassed later on.)
Oh also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Lilly!!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
June 12, 2013
Last day of school!!! :D ^_^
It's weird that a whole year has gone by. And it's weird to think this time last year, I was at a different school. Finals went by fine, but after I got off my friends' bus, I was depressed and very sad because I didn't want to leave my friends again. But then I went to one of my friend's End-of year Party, and it was a BLAST!!!
I'm so excited for today because I get to see everyone again!!! ^_^ I can't wait!!
It's weird that a whole year has gone by. And it's weird to think this time last year, I was at a different school. Finals went by fine, but after I got off my friends' bus, I was depressed and very sad because I didn't want to leave my friends again. But then I went to one of my friend's End-of year Party, and it was a BLAST!!!
I'm so excited for today because I get to see everyone again!!! ^_^ I can't wait!!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Quote of the Day
"The POWER to change the world
comes not from fear and manipulation,
But from love and understanding."
comes not from fear and manipulation,
But from love and understanding."
-Me
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
June 4, 2013
Hey guys. School's almost over, but I'm stressing so much whenever someone mentions that. Because I missed so much school, I am completely stressing more and more each day because I have to get caught up. Anyway, this is for anyone who needs it, or needs the reminder. Images found on google.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Vignettes
I had an assignment in class to write 3 vignettes. It was my first time writing that way, so it was challenging for me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy them!
Vignette
1- “Ver-nowhere”
May
17, 2013
Vernonia, Oregon is one of those really small
towns that almost no one knows about. In fact, Vernonians joke about it and
call it “Vernowhere”. It’s near Portland, but it’s closer to Forest Grove,
making it on the way to the coast. It’s not like the town was bypassed because
the freeway got put in, but more like it was never on the route in the first
place (though-the way to Vernonia is on a long and old logging road, so maybe
it was bypassed).
Confusion, lost, lonely, hurt, damaged. That was
me. Anyway, that’s where I spent my 7th grade year from mid-November till
school got out in June. So much happened in that small, almost forgotten town.
So much pain and confusion.
I was living with my mom and sisters in my
grandma’s house in Utah, but I made a mistake and was kicked out. So then I was
‘shipped’ (by airplane) to “Vernowhere” to live with my aunt and her
family.
After about a month and a half, maybe two, my aunt couldn’t take me and my cousins' fighting anymore. I
was relocated to live with another aunt and uncle who lived in Vernonia sometime in January, and was told my father would join me soon, which
after a few weeks, he did.
It
was strange, after I moved out of my first aunt's house, my cousin started being
nicer to me (although sometimes, because of peer pressure, she was downright
nasty), and we started hanging out more. But it wasn’t always smiles.
Confusion, lost, lonely, hurt, damaged. That was me. But slowly, I was healing.
Vignette
2- Tualatin-June Freshman Yr
May
17, 2013
You never know what you will do until it
happens. A few years ago, one of my friends, who wears glasses, (remember
that, it’ll be important later) got pegged in the face with a dodgeball, and
sent to the nurses office. I didn’t find out about it until after school,
because I didn’t have any classes with him. Call me over-protective, or that I
was over-reacting, or whatever, but I wondered if he was okay. From what one of
my other friends said, it sounded really painful. Then I was faced with a
decision: make sure I catch my bus, or risk it and check to see if he was okay.
Bouncing it around in my head, I finally made my decision when I asked myself,
“if I were hurt, would I want my friends to come see me?” “Besides,” I thought
as I ran to the office, “my mom could pick me up.” I’ll admit, I did rush in
there, and I was feeling a little panicked, so I was over-reacting a little, but
that’s okay. It was worth it.
So
I went in there, and sat down on the other bed next to him. After a couple minutes he
sat up, although it looked like it hurt a lot, and probably gave him a really
bad headache. When the dodgeball hit his face, it had pushed one of his nose
pads into his cornea. We talked quietly for several minutes. Then he said I
should probably catch my bus. I took my time leaving; I had already made the
decision that I could miss my bus and stay as long as he needed me to. Stepping
outside, I watched my bus pull up, and I was so happy and thanked Heavenly
Father for the opportunity to serve.
Vignette
3- Tualatin
May
17, 2013
Tualatin.
My friends are there. So is my second home. I
miss it not because of the city itself, nor my classmates. I miss it because of
the people I love, and left. At first, I really didn’t want to be there because
I was so angry at moving again, and being dragged away from my my best friend.
I was so angry, without hope, and so hurt, I wanted to shut down. Yet, as time
went on, I met some people that changed my life forever.
One of those people was Emily. She was in
my 8th grade science and art classes. At first, I didn’t want to be friends
with anyone, because I couldn’t see the point. “We would move anyway.” Although
we weren’t great friends, she brightened up my day, and gave me someone to talk
to. As the year plodded on, I looked forward to science, and especially art,
because Emily would be there. (It wasn’t untill freshman year that we
became close enough for me to say she was my best friend, right after Heather.)
Another was Jeremy. I used to sit with my
sisters and their friends, but when one of their friends made a comment I
didn’t like, I kicked myself out. For a good part of the year, I sat alone. A
long while later (about a few months), I was invited to sit with the people at
the table next to me. I stayed there for a little while, but didn’t really feel
comfortable because it was the popular kids’ table- and my crush sat there.
When I moved back to my original table, there were three other people who
had occupied it while I was gone, but I didn’t care because it was my
table. After a few weeks, we started talking to each other a little bit. That’s
how I met Jeremy (and Alec and Cyan). I credit Jeremy for not letting me shut
down, even though he didn’t know it. Once I met him, I opened up and wanted to
be his friend because he was cool.
And then there’s Christie, Allison, and Shaelyn. They were in my ward at church. They were really good friends to me. They were always nice and friendly; they accepted me for me, even though many at church didn’t. I look up to them, Shaelyn was such an example to me, Allie was always so nice, and Christie, well she was so smiley and had an aura about her that you just had to love.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
June 1, 2013
One of the few timew where I will actually hit my head on the celing just occurred. I was on the stairs, and I ascked mom where a game we were going to play was. I backed up, and whapped my head- pretty hard- on the ceiling. I have a headache now.
Complete List of Disney Movies
Hey guys! I was looking on the internet, and I found a complete list of Disney movies!! I was surprised that a few anime movies that I've seen were on there.
Also fun fact: there are only 6 Disney movies that are PG-13.
http://www.disneymovieslist.com/disney-movies.asp
*Disclaimer: I did not create the list, nor do I own the website on which it was created. I just simply copied and pasted from the site.
Also fun fact: there are only 6 Disney movies that are PG-13.
http://www.disneymovieslist.com/disney-movies.asp
*Disclaimer: I did not create the list, nor do I own the website on which it was created. I just simply copied and pasted from the site.
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